Counseling others through Christ

I went to a counseling seminar with Safe Harbor Christian Counseling to learn the right ways to edify some of the women I counsel through work and church and friendships. It is a Christian/scripture based approach to counseling people. Not everyone is called to be counselors but all of us are called to uplift our brothers and sisters in Christ. And we are to uplift people who are not in the body of Christ as well. First we will look at statistics, then we will research the different kinds of reasons for counseling someone. And in the end we will learn how to deal with people needing counseling. It is important to understand the grief process, trauma, and violence to have better compassion for those needing it.

Statistics

Think about people who work with you, people in your church body, people in your family. Based on these statistics many of those people are dealing with tragedies in their lives whether you know about it or not.

31% of women experience sexual violence which is 1/3 of women.
20-25% (or 1/4) of women are raped
12% of girls have been assaulted sexually
1/3 of women are murdered daily by a spouse or boyfriend,many of which are pregnant.

700,000 of women are sexually assaulted a year
2/3 rape victims had a relationship with the abuser.
1/5 of males are sexually abused as boys.

6 is the average age of sexual abuse in girls, 10 for boys.
27% of women are physically abused as children.
29% of men are physically absued as children.

400,000 teen runaways a year
1/3 of those teen runaways are lured into prostitution within 48 hours of runaway of those runaways there is significant abuse in the home with 3 million children homeless.

10% of Americas crime rate is higher than all other countries
25 is the average age of men arrested for murder.
115 people die in car accident everyday.
100% of statistics are no different in the church. :|


Amungst these statistics are called to be comforts to people suffering. We are all joined together called to look like Christ in the flesh. The body of Christ must step into the mess and help our family. We are not called to be idle and stagnant but to be a support for our brothers and sisters. All of Jesus' time on this earth was used for learning and helping others. We are to model after Him.

Looking at the Areas of Help

Trauma--a threat to life or the body. Close encounter with death. It isolates people, silences people creates helplessness. Examples: Natural disasters, car accidents, fire, war, etc.

People dealing with trauma live in constant fear as the past intrudes into the present.

They keep re-living the event.
They dream the trauma and flashbacks occur often.
Intrusive recollections prevent them from living a normal functioning life.
These people are numbed where they try not to feel anything, they withdrawl, isolate, emotions become flat.
Mind tries not to experience it.

An abused child cannot live without trying to live in the way of abuse. They cannot trust people or God. Trauma controls how they interact and think.

Sometimes after six months a person who doesn't deal with the trauma all of the sudden it will HIT and they will deal with the reactions of trauma. They have tried to supress the emotions.

Triggers-Something that reminds you of hte traumatic situation which throws you back into the abuse/trauma. After the trigger passes the victim will become embarassed and use a soft, kind voice. Ex: PSD victims from war.

People dealing with trauma are living a double existence living 2 lives where they try to have a normal life but here is this old traumatic experience of their life that constantly haunts them.

**Important, when someone is telling you the experience do not tell them you understand unless you do. Trust is important. Listen with respect. Do not respond by saying get over it or speed up recovery.

Violence--involes human beings. Any violence occured purposely to another person. It can be familial, institutional, societal.

Evolution of a victimizer (the one commiting the violence):
is dead in their soul. In order to commit violent acts it requires one to become dead in soul. The victimizer usually dies little by little over time and the horrific becomes normal.

A victimizer leaves tracks like evidence of a trail of violence. The poision of sin sits on the heart. The conscience goes away. They are dead and numb on the inside. They have mostly been victimized as children where sin was rampant.

We can almost never spot a victimizer or if someone is violent/evil. We cannot tell who is lying. Research shows many victimizers have spent hours in the mirror practicing lying without facial expression.

Many sex offenders live double lives. Many of them are very active in social community. Helping people, helping the elderly and trying to do good. This is why there is so much sexual violence/molestation within churches.

Greif--Intense emotional suffering which oppresses a life and brings great sorrow, burden and weight upon them.

Grief always challenges our faith which is not a bad thing. It will ultimately strenghten us if we don't become bitter.

There are many kinds of grief:

Death of a person, death of health (chronic illness), loss of home, position or status.
Aging, amputation, divorce, loss of a church family, job or reputation.
Loss of a friendship, mental illness, addiction
Trauma and violence
Natural disasters and war
Loss of things (sentimental) like in a fire

The faces of grief:

Shock/Denial:
Feeling of being hit, stunned, numb, chest pain, shortness of breath, increased heart rate, stomach pain, sleeping and eating patterns corrupted, fear, anxiety.

Anger:
Response to our own pain. Directed at a person, God, everyone else around us. It distracts us.

Hopelessness & Despair:
Becomes passive, accepts the loss which is the darkest place of grief. There is no light or hope here. Beginning of acceptance.

Acceptance:
I am still here, we start to realize life is going on, connect with life again. Re-enter life changed and more humble.

Those are the main areas of help needed in counseling. Now we will look at the components of a healing response. Many Christians are naieve about evil especially if they have been sheltered. Many Christians do not relate to people who are suffering or want to leave that to the professionals. But it is important to know how to deal with these situations because eventually it will happen to you or to someone you love. It is important to understand the different facets of violence, trauma and grief to help counsel someone.

The victim:

they have lost their lives with a death of soul and we must use patience, love and care with them. We are there to guide them in restoring their soul towards Christ. Giving power back to the individual.

It is extremely important to teach our tounges and minds to say I don't know, to study hard their situation and to know what it means to become that person.

A caregiver is a servant to the good of the sufferer. We are to be caregivers of these people in our lives. We must speak truth to them. People who were abused or have had violence do not have trust, we must gain their trust. There is no microwave healing.

In the crisis:
We are called to have staying power when others have a crisis going on. Their problems become our own. We must invest our time and energy in them and less for our own selfish desires. We are to leave our Glory and go into the darkness with them. We must reduce ourselves, listen, learn. Do not swoop in and tell them step by step what to do. But just be there to listen to them and comfort them. Once you let their darkness in, let it impact you. You are not there to drag them into your perfect nice world. You step into their world with no instructions to give them.


While in the darkness with them, remember that Jesus was not lost in the darkness. God was with Him. Bring God into the situation with you.

Victims need to see the character of God before them. Stop talking about it and be about it. The Lord didn't abandon us, he didn't leave us in our crisis.

Don't leave the person you are counseling. You will come to a place where it is hard and you will want to give up. You will get weary and want your perfect life back. We must have staying power especially with a person in chroinic crisis. Continue to be a light to these people.

We are to be a safe place, an antidote for fear, using a quiet voice and unjudgemental counsel.
Keep your word, you cannot fix a tragedy just listen, sit with and comfort them. Relationship matters.
It is important to build a relationship with them before counseling them.

You are to enter in and be a help to them, support them. Their story will impact you. You will be changed, there is a combination of suffering and sin in crisis. DO NOT GO ON A SIN HUNT WITH THE SUFFERER. The last thing they need is to be looked at like somehow they brought it on themselves. Their whole self is completely shaped by abuse.

Things to expect when counseling:

They will bring noise into your life, sobbing, crying, calls, neediness.
It will take a while to get them to open up. Pain brings silence and it takes a long time to come up with the words.
They want to feel better and get answers but change makes them very nervous.

Healing begins when:

Truth is spoken. You must have them repeat the stories including the details. People just want someone to hear the story. Respect their choice to share or not share.

There are three steps to healing: (hurt, healed and ready to help)

Safety where the person starts a relationship with you
Telling of the story, in fullness establishing lies versus truth
They start to look up and out, wondering how God can use them.

The reputation of Jesus Christ is at stake with your life. You become the representative of God with your life, your actions, responsese to fear, failure and voice.

Stop trying to tell people to love God. You love like God and you love the people without selfish intent. Don't brag about your life or successes or spiritual maturity. You learn to suffer with the suffering to love like Christ.

If you are called to counsel others you will need a good support system yourself. You cannot do it in isolation, you will become depressed. There is a cost when doing this kind of ministry. There is healing, hope and transformation. One day the person you uplift and counsel will be counseling someone else.

You must study God's word. If you are going to be his representative you must know Him. Read my word and obey it, if you don't you really don't know Me.

The Holy Spirit will:

Give you wisdom
Give you the power to love when you are weary
Comfort you when you become despaired for others
Heal you. You cannot expect healing in others if we have not let God heal us.

This work is a great privledge. We who are called to do this, it is our mission field. Doing this work will bring you to your knees and you will see a change in your own life and you will know God so closely.

The Way WOMEN think

The way women think:

Ok, so here is the sequel to the Pure Sex sermon at church based on spiritual truths.

WHAT WOMEN NEED! Get your notebooks out. o_O


Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Sometimes marriages can be a battle to see who is in charge always trying to win but both parties lose. We are to submit and serve each other. The only way to make a marriage work is if it is a team effort and not a competition to see who wins battles or looks better. Even with sex, we are to submit to our spouses. Our goal in sex is not to get pleasure for yourself or to see how much we can get but to please your partner. When that happens the best sex will arise. (no pun intended) :O Men are to support, submit, and serve their wives. They are to stop trying to be kings of their homes because Christ calls you to be a servant to your wife. If guys want to be Don Juan in the bedroom they must be Jesus to their wives in the kitchen.

Phillippians 2:3-4

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

The church is a symbol of how Jesus loves the church and our example of that love should be shown in our marriages.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

So as from last week's sermon on what men need we see that men need to be respected and women need to be loved.

So here is the core of every woman:

Coddle - cod·dle

–verb (used with object), -dled, -dling. ..TR>..TABLE>

We spell it CODLL so we can make an acronym for it. The man is sexually aroused by visual images. The woman is sexual aroused by emotional thought. Here is the acronym that will show what women need to make the marital sex life and feeling of love all it is to be.

C = Closeness

Affection (w/out sexual agenda), Thoughtfulness, 1 in his life, Encouraging words every single day, Being Held (learn to be close to your wife without sex), Flirt, Ask her out on a date.

O = Openness

Honesty, Communicate, Listen (most men aren't good listeners), If there is a problem a man looks to the problem like well, this is how you fix the problem. A woman is more concerned with how she feels about the problem than fixing it. Men must listen to their wives feelings whether they want to or not. Women want to know how you feel about things and they want you to open up.

D = Dedication to Family

A woman would rather have her husband at home rather than financial security or a big house. This coincides with the opposite of men feeling like they have to work a lot to provide from their family. A woman needs to see her husband spending time with her to show her that she is the husband's priority. So 9 times out of 10 a woman would rather have a poor man that treated her with a lot of love and respect and spent time with her than a rich man who was never around.

L = Less sex than men do

Men won't more sex than is taking place. That is a no-brainer. Women have less testosterone and less urges than men do, biologically. If a woman doesn't feel well, she will not participate in sex. If a man is not feeling well he will somehow come up with the energy to participate in sex. Sex begins in hte heart, it is all tied to emotions. Women don't need to feel like a dumping machine for bodily fluids. Women have to be emotionally charged which goes along with C (closeness) and men are visually charged sexually.

L = Lift her up

Men are to encourage their wives, not beat them down with put-downs and smart remarks. Men must use positive words, attitudes and actions towards their wives. Women have self/respect and low-self esteem issues by nature. They need constant uplifting. Husbands are the wives' mirror as a woman looks in the mirror and 9 times out of 10 sees flaws, she needs her man to praise her and compliment her.

One fact about marriages:

Men who do more housework have better marriages and better sex lives.

A lil' Story

So I asked a lot of people for prayer yesterday online and with some of my lady friends in my bible study. I have been spread very thin with the new business and managing my time and being extremely exhausted and not being able to keep up with my house. And of course the little story of my exploding table. :| My glass patio table just exploded from the heat as I'm starring out the window enjoying a nice day. Then the little glass pieces started popping around like popcorn because it was so hot. I closed the curtains and walked away. Just another thing to add to my list of crap I have no time to deal with.

So after a long day of marketing my company and visiting clients I pick up my daughter from school and we spend 1.5 hours at the Honda dealership getting it serviced then to get home late knowing what mess awaits me at home makes me angry. But I open the door and my house has been magically cleaned. :O How is this possible? I know I asked God for help and have been dying to get a maid but no one can get in my house except my mom. And she's been in Tennessee for two weeks and I haven't talked to her so she doesn't know my struggles I've been goin through. But I guess the Lord talked to her and she cleaned my house so nicely and not only that but she cleaned up my entire back porch that was covered in those little glass pieces. Just more evidence of God letting me know He is watching over me. There is no way my mom could have known exactly what I needed without the Lord telling her. So my house is clean. :D And some people might say that a clean house isn't that important or exciting but when you have something that is weighing you down that you can't get to it is stressful.

So I am giving praise to God because I know the plans He has for me and I also know that He usually allows me to get so frustrated I am ready to give up and then He comes through in a way that is completely out of the ordinary. He is such a master of orchestrating my life.

The Way MEN Think

The way men think:

Based on the sermon Pure Sex @ my church and the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men (by Shaunti Feldhahn)

This came from a nationwide study of over 1500 men. All the facts are at least 85% of men's responses.

1) Men need more respect than love. If a man had to choose between respect or love, he would choose respect.

Which means a woman should never criticise, tease or belittle a man (especially in front of others). When men get angry it is a sign they are feeling disrespected.

2) Men are secretly insecure.

A woman can't tear down a man, it leads to more insecurity. Men look to their wives' happiness as measure to how they are doing as a spouse. At work a man can be measured with his success by raises, promotions, etc. The only measure of their success as a husband is the wife's happiness and attitude toward him.

3) Men are stressed out about having to be a provider.

Even if a man is a stay-at-home dad and the woman is a financial provider a man feels responsible to provide for his family. A man's primary way to show love is to provide.

4) Sex is not just a physical need.

Sex is an emotional need to feel desired. If rejected a man's confidence is shattered. The studies show that if a man is rejected the night before in his marital bed the next day at work he does not do as well. 85% of men said that sex wasn't about physical need but a need to feel desired and wanted. Of course this coinsides with insecurity and respect when denied.

5) Men are visual creatures.

Men's minds are completely different then women's. When a woman sees a sexy man on the tv she doesn't think about it afterwards. When a man sees a sexy woman he has that image pop into his head very frequently even if he doesn't want it to. He cannot help it.

6) Guys do want romance with their wives.

Men are romantic. The biggest factor in men not being romantic is fear of rejection, ridicule or teasing. A man will attempt a romantic setting with his wife and if she teases him even a tiny tiny bit or points out a fault it will be years before he tries it again. This goes along with the insecurity and need to feel respected.

7) Men do care about effort in appearance.

When a woman "lets herself go" it is like saying to a man, "I don't care enough about you to look good for you." Women are completely opposite of this. We think well he loves me, it shouldn't matter what I look like. But men are visual creatures and they look to their wives as measures of how good they are doing as a husband. When a flops around the house in sweatpants, no makeup and only gets dressed nice when they go to see other people it sends the message that we as wives don't care enough to try to look good for our husbands.
After the survey of over 1500 men was completed the most important factor that men couldn't stress enough to their wives was how much they loved their wives.

Here is a link to hear the whole sermon:
http://www.mountainchristian.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=14175
It is under the "Pure Sex" sermon.

Next week it's all about Womenzzzz.

Blah blah blah

So my dd (dd=dear daughter fyi) is sick and I am caring for her this afternoon, giving her medicine and orange juice and chicken soup. She says to me as I'm making her medicine up, "Mamma did you take some kind of parenting class? Cause you are good."

*swoon* *tear* So freaking sweet.

Hello!

Hello. I am creating a blog dedicated to everything single moms. I am the epitome of a single mom as I have been one for 4.5 years now. My boyfriend and I got pregnant while I was 19 and we stayed together pretty happily for 7 years. Most of which I was a stay at home mom or worked part time just to help with income. Then he cheated on me out of the blue and I left him. It was a very very hard time. He wanted me to remain in the home we bought together and I wanted to get out of there. So I worked really hard and saved some money and got my own place. A two bedroom rental townhome in a nice neighborhood close to a great school for our daughter. This was a huge deal because I had never really lived on my own with my daughter and I was very worried all the time. I trusted God would keep us safe and secure and I worked really hard to provide for her.

We will call my daughter's father Mr. X. Mr. X gave me child support and took care of her on the weekends while I worked. I had many hard financial times, many lonely times, many frustrated times. I had a period where I was partying and blowing my money. I was dating a lot and going to bars. I drove drunk one night and almost crashed. I realized that I needed to get myself together or I could lose my daughter. Mr. X would have easily taken her away from me if I became unfit. I got back into church and got myself together. Last July my daughter's father committed suicide making me even more of a single mom. We have been through so much and I have been remaining faithful to God and devoted to my daughter through the hard times.

Now, 4.5 years after Mr. X and I split up and a year after his suicide I am very independent, very confident, very happy in my own skin. I now own a nursing agency and use my single mom experiences/ministry to reach out to my employees who are single moms or wives going through divorces. My daughter is attending a Christian school now and I am here to uplift all single moms to let them know if they put their trust in God, He will make a way for them and He will comfort them. I know my every action is all my daughter is looking at to model herself after so I do my best to be a positive uplifting mother to her especially after loosing her father.

This blog will be completely devoted to everything single moms. From finances, to dating, to struggles, to triumphs, and coupons I have done it all and I will talk about it here and hopefully uplift other single moms.

If you are going through a hard time please email me!

singlemomsense@gmail.com