Counseling others through Christ

I went to a counseling seminar with Safe Harbor Christian Counseling to learn the right ways to edify some of the women I counsel through work and church and friendships. It is a Christian/scripture based approach to counseling people. Not everyone is called to be counselors but all of us are called to uplift our brothers and sisters in Christ. And we are to uplift people who are not in the body of Christ as well. First we will look at statistics, then we will research the different kinds of reasons for counseling someone. And in the end we will learn how to deal with people needing counseling. It is important to understand the grief process, trauma, and violence to have better compassion for those needing it.

Statistics

Think about people who work with you, people in your church body, people in your family. Based on these statistics many of those people are dealing with tragedies in their lives whether you know about it or not.

31% of women experience sexual violence which is 1/3 of women.
20-25% (or 1/4) of women are raped
12% of girls have been assaulted sexually
1/3 of women are murdered daily by a spouse or boyfriend,many of which are pregnant.

700,000 of women are sexually assaulted a year
2/3 rape victims had a relationship with the abuser.
1/5 of males are sexually abused as boys.

6 is the average age of sexual abuse in girls, 10 for boys.
27% of women are physically abused as children.
29% of men are physically absued as children.

400,000 teen runaways a year
1/3 of those teen runaways are lured into prostitution within 48 hours of runaway of those runaways there is significant abuse in the home with 3 million children homeless.

10% of Americas crime rate is higher than all other countries
25 is the average age of men arrested for murder.
115 people die in car accident everyday.
100% of statistics are no different in the church. :|


Amungst these statistics are called to be comforts to people suffering. We are all joined together called to look like Christ in the flesh. The body of Christ must step into the mess and help our family. We are not called to be idle and stagnant but to be a support for our brothers and sisters. All of Jesus' time on this earth was used for learning and helping others. We are to model after Him.

Looking at the Areas of Help

Trauma--a threat to life or the body. Close encounter with death. It isolates people, silences people creates helplessness. Examples: Natural disasters, car accidents, fire, war, etc.

People dealing with trauma live in constant fear as the past intrudes into the present.

They keep re-living the event.
They dream the trauma and flashbacks occur often.
Intrusive recollections prevent them from living a normal functioning life.
These people are numbed where they try not to feel anything, they withdrawl, isolate, emotions become flat.
Mind tries not to experience it.

An abused child cannot live without trying to live in the way of abuse. They cannot trust people or God. Trauma controls how they interact and think.

Sometimes after six months a person who doesn't deal with the trauma all of the sudden it will HIT and they will deal with the reactions of trauma. They have tried to supress the emotions.

Triggers-Something that reminds you of hte traumatic situation which throws you back into the abuse/trauma. After the trigger passes the victim will become embarassed and use a soft, kind voice. Ex: PSD victims from war.

People dealing with trauma are living a double existence living 2 lives where they try to have a normal life but here is this old traumatic experience of their life that constantly haunts them.

**Important, when someone is telling you the experience do not tell them you understand unless you do. Trust is important. Listen with respect. Do not respond by saying get over it or speed up recovery.

Violence--involes human beings. Any violence occured purposely to another person. It can be familial, institutional, societal.

Evolution of a victimizer (the one commiting the violence):
is dead in their soul. In order to commit violent acts it requires one to become dead in soul. The victimizer usually dies little by little over time and the horrific becomes normal.

A victimizer leaves tracks like evidence of a trail of violence. The poision of sin sits on the heart. The conscience goes away. They are dead and numb on the inside. They have mostly been victimized as children where sin was rampant.

We can almost never spot a victimizer or if someone is violent/evil. We cannot tell who is lying. Research shows many victimizers have spent hours in the mirror practicing lying without facial expression.

Many sex offenders live double lives. Many of them are very active in social community. Helping people, helping the elderly and trying to do good. This is why there is so much sexual violence/molestation within churches.

Greif--Intense emotional suffering which oppresses a life and brings great sorrow, burden and weight upon them.

Grief always challenges our faith which is not a bad thing. It will ultimately strenghten us if we don't become bitter.

There are many kinds of grief:

Death of a person, death of health (chronic illness), loss of home, position or status.
Aging, amputation, divorce, loss of a church family, job or reputation.
Loss of a friendship, mental illness, addiction
Trauma and violence
Natural disasters and war
Loss of things (sentimental) like in a fire

The faces of grief:

Shock/Denial:
Feeling of being hit, stunned, numb, chest pain, shortness of breath, increased heart rate, stomach pain, sleeping and eating patterns corrupted, fear, anxiety.

Anger:
Response to our own pain. Directed at a person, God, everyone else around us. It distracts us.

Hopelessness & Despair:
Becomes passive, accepts the loss which is the darkest place of grief. There is no light or hope here. Beginning of acceptance.

Acceptance:
I am still here, we start to realize life is going on, connect with life again. Re-enter life changed and more humble.

Those are the main areas of help needed in counseling. Now we will look at the components of a healing response. Many Christians are naieve about evil especially if they have been sheltered. Many Christians do not relate to people who are suffering or want to leave that to the professionals. But it is important to know how to deal with these situations because eventually it will happen to you or to someone you love. It is important to understand the different facets of violence, trauma and grief to help counsel someone.

The victim:

they have lost their lives with a death of soul and we must use patience, love and care with them. We are there to guide them in restoring their soul towards Christ. Giving power back to the individual.

It is extremely important to teach our tounges and minds to say I don't know, to study hard their situation and to know what it means to become that person.

A caregiver is a servant to the good of the sufferer. We are to be caregivers of these people in our lives. We must speak truth to them. People who were abused or have had violence do not have trust, we must gain their trust. There is no microwave healing.

In the crisis:
We are called to have staying power when others have a crisis going on. Their problems become our own. We must invest our time and energy in them and less for our own selfish desires. We are to leave our Glory and go into the darkness with them. We must reduce ourselves, listen, learn. Do not swoop in and tell them step by step what to do. But just be there to listen to them and comfort them. Once you let their darkness in, let it impact you. You are not there to drag them into your perfect nice world. You step into their world with no instructions to give them.


While in the darkness with them, remember that Jesus was not lost in the darkness. God was with Him. Bring God into the situation with you.

Victims need to see the character of God before them. Stop talking about it and be about it. The Lord didn't abandon us, he didn't leave us in our crisis.

Don't leave the person you are counseling. You will come to a place where it is hard and you will want to give up. You will get weary and want your perfect life back. We must have staying power especially with a person in chroinic crisis. Continue to be a light to these people.

We are to be a safe place, an antidote for fear, using a quiet voice and unjudgemental counsel.
Keep your word, you cannot fix a tragedy just listen, sit with and comfort them. Relationship matters.
It is important to build a relationship with them before counseling them.

You are to enter in and be a help to them, support them. Their story will impact you. You will be changed, there is a combination of suffering and sin in crisis. DO NOT GO ON A SIN HUNT WITH THE SUFFERER. The last thing they need is to be looked at like somehow they brought it on themselves. Their whole self is completely shaped by abuse.

Things to expect when counseling:

They will bring noise into your life, sobbing, crying, calls, neediness.
It will take a while to get them to open up. Pain brings silence and it takes a long time to come up with the words.
They want to feel better and get answers but change makes them very nervous.

Healing begins when:

Truth is spoken. You must have them repeat the stories including the details. People just want someone to hear the story. Respect their choice to share or not share.

There are three steps to healing: (hurt, healed and ready to help)

Safety where the person starts a relationship with you
Telling of the story, in fullness establishing lies versus truth
They start to look up and out, wondering how God can use them.

The reputation of Jesus Christ is at stake with your life. You become the representative of God with your life, your actions, responsese to fear, failure and voice.

Stop trying to tell people to love God. You love like God and you love the people without selfish intent. Don't brag about your life or successes or spiritual maturity. You learn to suffer with the suffering to love like Christ.

If you are called to counsel others you will need a good support system yourself. You cannot do it in isolation, you will become depressed. There is a cost when doing this kind of ministry. There is healing, hope and transformation. One day the person you uplift and counsel will be counseling someone else.

You must study God's word. If you are going to be his representative you must know Him. Read my word and obey it, if you don't you really don't know Me.

The Holy Spirit will:

Give you wisdom
Give you the power to love when you are weary
Comfort you when you become despaired for others
Heal you. You cannot expect healing in others if we have not let God heal us.

This work is a great privledge. We who are called to do this, it is our mission field. Doing this work will bring you to your knees and you will see a change in your own life and you will know God so closely.